Unspoken Admiration
by Vincentre
Summary: Gaara was always stoic and impassive yet he looked up to his siblings in secret. The one whom he envisioned as an older sister, mother and defender was no longer there to support him, dying before his eyes. [Character Death Shippuden Arc]


**Bona fide Author (When-does-the-sun-go-down Version):** I'm trying my hand in yet another Point of View fiction, but this time, Gaara is the one I shall have the account on. 'Twill be something of an angst, if I can portray him correctly. Angstalicious.

**Disclaimer:** Disclaimed.

* * *

**Unspoken Admiration**

_(Rise of Dormant Sentiments)_

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"Lord Kazekage…?" The messenger stated, irresolute gaze focused myself; however, I was occupied with something else. I could not pinpoint why my attention was drifting elsewhere. Something about what the envoy said had me nervous.

"I'm listening." My eyes flowed up to meet the other, an uncomfortable expression revealed on my normally vacant features. "So…you say that the small company of our courier and escorts were annihilated by an enemy? That is unfortunate." I hesitated for an unknown reason, my memory not telling me why I was so anxious. It was evident in my voice that something bothered me, yet I assumed that the herald mistook it as unfathomable grief. "Were there no survivors?"

"Yes, sir. There was one…" He trailed off.

"Is something wrong?" The haze was beginning to clear, revealing mentally what I was so worried about. Someone I knew intimately had been on that team, though I was au fait with all of them. That someone was my older sister; Temari was the courier. I became tense.

"Lord Kazekage…the only one who we were able to save was the messenger to Konoha Village, the rest having been killed by the attackers." He paused, edgy. "We found her—weak and barely alive. We fear…she will pass soon."

"Temari…?" I questioned in a whisper, though I already knew the answer. She was the only one I sent to the Leaf Village during these times. All of the Sand Village knew of my connections, whether it was family or an ally many miles away. My siblings were no different.

The envoy had been trying to relay the message that my older sister was to pass away.

Regret was the dominant emotion within me at that moment. I wanted to see her.

The messenger had heard my quiet inquiry, responding with a straightforward, "Yes, Sir," to confirm my uncertainties before sensing that I needed some alone time. He turned for the door.

"One moment," I called with a normal voice, wiping the bemused exterior away. "Where is she now…the courier?"

He whipped around to face me, stressed from the simple order. "Lord Kazekage…The survivor is in the infirmary, being tended to by our medical team, though..."

"I see," I answered impassively, "You are dismissed."

"Yes, Sir." He bowed quickly and scurried out the door with haste, leaving me to my frightening thoughts.

What if Temari really did die? What was I supposed to do then? Though I never treated her like family, she was still my sister. No matter how much I change, I still do not have the ability to show feel affection for my relatives. Kankuro was no different.

My resolve to go to her was waning as I saw that even if I visited her it would be an awkward moment. She never knew me as her brother, only as the Kazekage—or the demon who once nearly killed her.

Justification of my previous actions was no longer possible. If I could have done anything different back then, maybe this would not have happened.

I had no right to even be near Temari, not after everything she had done for me—and how I acted in years past.

Though I was reluctant at first, I went to her.

* * *

- 

Temari lay there heavily bandaged from what the covers were not hiding.

The healing specialists had told me that her perception was long gone and would slip away in deep slumber. No matter what I may have tried, Temari would not have answered me.

Something about that was comforting—she would not undergo the pain of the wounds that enveloped her whitish body.

It was only a matter of time until she ceased breathing, and so I would remain by her side.

As I stared down at her ruthlessly injured form, a swirl of emotions welled within me. It was strange. This emotion was sadness; I was all too familiar with it and many others. It was not only sadness though; I also sensed another sensation inside myself. At first it was frustrating, I could not understand what I was feeling but then it hit me.

_Hope_ that she would somehow live; _Nostalgia_ of all the times she had been enjoyable to be around; _Grateful _when she and Kankuro encouraged me to accept the role of Kazekage despite the fact that I was clearly apathetic.

_Fear_ for when she was gone.

_Despair_ for the years to come without her.

The busy people with the hallways began to get on my nerves.

I used the excess sand from my sleeve to travel to the door in my place, closing it silently. Reaching, I pulled a chair to her bedside and sat quietly, eyes still focused on the figure in the bed.

Now we were alone.

Kankuro would have been upset had it been him in my place, waiting by his sister until she died. He was still on the mission I assigned, oblivious of what occurred while he was away. Most likely, he would go on a rampage until he found the ones responsible.

I did not have that liberty.

I was the leader of a nation. Thinking for what I want, instead of for the best, would bring devastation and torment to the citizens of our community in the sand. No matter how much my vengeance ate at my tenacity I was not permitted to desert all who relied on me—simply for reprisal.

I regret that decision now more than ever; all the same, I cannot return to the past. I was in the current.

Now was all the time I had.

Before I knew it, my hand was hovering above hers and drawing it back to me. I cradled it tenderly in my grasp as if she could feel my touch. I wished she would suddenly awaken and all would be well.

Her breaths were brief and sudden. Not much time left until she breathed her last.

My memories of Temari returned—both joyful and miserable, but three were overriding the rest.

* * *

- 

The first event was little over year ago, when I was laying in my bed. I could never sleep since young, due to certain interference. Instead, I would just recline and rest myself until my strength returned. It was also one of those nights where my inner demon would tear at my mind, hoping for a taste of the outside world. Shukaku never rested. Blood would pacify him but I refused to provide him with it.

With blood came death and I had no desire to kill anyone. I was changed for the better—helping instead of razing. The Kazekage was not a destroyer.

That particular night, Temari thought to visit me after completing a mission in the Village Hidden in the Rain. She thought to surprise me and let herself into my residence, just as she did many times before. I supposed that since she considered herself the sister of the Kazekage she could break into homes, even if it was his. It was not until later that I realized that she had a decent reason for visiting—a special occasion that I had not paid attention to. It was a special date, one day that came annually for everyone.

I was writhing in pain within my room until I heard knocking at my door and soon it opened, revealing a confused appearance that was she. I had no control over my movements. Sand from unknown places surrounded her as I tried to mouth the words 'get away'. Temari realized my plea too late, being caught up in a mound of sand seconds later.

Shukaku would use Desert Coffin.

She was terrified and I could feel her heart pounding against the sand that I was so in tuned with. I could feel her fear though I was not in close proximity to her.

I could only see her frightened eyes after the sand completely covered the rest of her body. She was whimpering beneath the deadly sheet, pleading with upsetting sounds of muffled screams that I release her.

After my relentless struggle with Shukaku, I regained a limited amount of control moments before he was to dispose of her, releasing the sand from the bottom of the crude coffin and watching contently as she fell to the ground with a small injury. His sand had compressed instantly, grazing her shoulder in the process and I was glad that I had made it in time.

She rose to her feet quickly and fled, not throwing me a second look.

I knew she would avoid me. When we were children, I had been close to killing her myself several times but never close, as I was that day.

Temari had only desired to wish me a happy birthday on my fifteenth birthday, although things went disgustingly wrong.

Undoubtedly…she feared me more than before.

* * *

- 

Months later, a fellow shinobi was slain in battle. Apparently, the shinobi was a close friend of Temari's and though she never showed it I could tell she was utterly depressed. I wanted to consult her, but I was never that type of person.

She attended the memorial service, standing towards the front with a broken scowl. She was trying to be strong, but her definite walls were torn down by sorrow.

Temari was usually a loud and stubborn person, aggravating people as quickly as they irritated her. Though she was somewhat frustrating, she had her gentle instances with those she thought about.

I was lingering elsewhere, but she was still in my sight as I observed the scene of which I rarely, if never, witnessed in person.

For the first time, in a long while, I saw my sister cry.

There was something about that which irritated me. It was not Temari that angered me. It was something else—something I would not understand until she was critically injured and dying in front of me.

* * *

- 

Weeks ago, when everything had died down and things were peaceful again; I tried my hand in speaking with Temari, hoping to ease the apprehension in her heart that was dormant until my actions.

I had handed her a finely wrapped package and was in the office area for the higher-ups like myself. On my way to my seat she commented.

"What is this for, Lord Kazekage?" She looked at the small package, rotating it in her hand and turning her attention to me when finished. Standing attentively at the doorway to my office, she lowered her arms to her side, holding the parcel firmly.

From her expression, I knew she assumed it was something that needed to be delivered to a neighboring village. She eyed me, obviously suspicious.

"Isn't this what you give people on their birthdays? Eighteen, correct?" I answered with my own questions harmlessly, not quite familiar with the ways of the world yet. I sighed and slid into my chair.

"Is this…for me, Sir?" Her expression turned shocked, as if she never expected me to know what today was for her.

It was Temari's eighteenth birthday—special for a woman, at least from the tips I received from a priceless source: Kankuro. It was my own apology, though I had help picking it out by my elder brother. He seemed dazed when I asked for assistance.

I nodded at her query, leaning back into my chair. "Formal speech is redundant, Temari. We _are_ siblings." My words sounded impassive, just as they usually did. I kept a vacant expression, folding my arms over my chest and watching her with veiled interest. "Address me as you want. I don't care. You're my sister after all."

"All right—and thank you…Gaara. I was just surprised…" She shyly admitted to me, looking away with embarrassment. I assumed that she was clutching the small box to her out of awkwardness. "…that you knew something about me."

"Of course I remembered. You should give me more credit than you do."

"It was just that before—all those months ago when I went to see you that night—"

"What I did then had nothing to do with you." I had to cast her negative thoughts of me away before they were burned into her memory. She was already on the same page with my words, aware of the demon inside myself that drove me to unbecoming behavior at times. "I will never harm you or_ anyone_ of this community so willingly. I would sooner protect the citizens and sacrifice my own life, just as I promised on the day I became the sentinel of the Sand Village. Understand?"

"Yes."

"Good." I sighed. She was still so proper, meaning that Temari was ever mindful of my past mistakes. "I appreciate the thought that you would come and celebrate with me. I never meant to harm you."

"I know. It's okay. It was my fault for coming in so late at night in the first place."

"No. I still must apologize—at least for the injury if not everything else I've done."

She shot me a confused glance as if I was speaking another language. I guessed that she was not familiar with the sound of me asking for forgiveness. "Don't worry about it."

"Temari," I declared in a tenderly husky voice, observing her as I attracted her full attention. If nothing else, she would listen to what I had to say, willing or not. Just as many years ago, when I first sought to change, I felt a compelling sensation. "Do you remember me when I was under the full authority of Shukaku? I was a unbearable individual wasn't I?"

"Well…" She could not force out anything in his defense. It would only be a lie. "There _was_ that one time…"

"I know your answer. You don't have to say anything to support me, but thank you for the consideration." There was a hint of amusement in my voice, while it was barely noticeable. "If you don't mind, I just want to ask you a simple question. Not as the leader of our country, but as your brother. Is that alright?"

"Yes—of course. Ask me anything." She grinned at me, showing her egotistical side through her appearance. I never liked part of her, but it was nothing I could not easily ignore. Temari seemed more comfortable for some reason.

"Have I changed? Well, have I changed further since I first became Kazekage?" I waited patiently for her answer, but it came quickly.

"Gaara…" She seemed pensive on the subject, but responded nonetheless. "That's really up to you to decide."

I was confused and discouraged. I regretted not waiting for Kankuro to return from his mission. He would have given me a straightforward answer. "What? I don't understand. Is that a 'no'?"

"Listen to me, little brother," Temari began, sounding strangely affectionate and wearing her cocky smile. "You just need one detail. All this time I've seen that you just lack one thing that many have: Confidence."

"Confidence? I trust I have that by now. I can't afford not to."

"Sorry, but you don't, Gaara—not if you need to ask me if you've changed or not."

"…Cryptic answers are not getting me anywhere."

"Hey. Pay attention to your older sister, Gaara." There was a soft glare coming from her as she folded her arms, looking at me. She still held the unopened gift. "If you had self-confidence, then perhaps you wouldn't need to ask me if you've become different—you would have the conviction to say 'I have changed for the better'."

I stared at her, unfolding my arms from behind my desk and sitting still. It was a little disappointing to not get a reply. "I just…wanted to know."

She switched her pose, placing her hand on her hips in a scolding manner but her expression was vacant. Then she turned away, her back to me. I thought something was wrong and leaned forward a little in my seat, not quite sure of what the change brought about.

"Don't ever let someone tell you who you are—not even me. You've got a goal to become a virtuous human being right?" Her voice was firm and placid. "Don't submit to their criticisms. You'll get there—I know it."

I never knew how much I valued her until then. She was the eldest of our small family of three and now, more than ever, it was evident. There was ageless wisdom within that sometimes-childish sister of mine. Whenever I was in trouble, she was there to defend me, no matter what the difference in power was. Both my siblings had looked after me all this time. She became a fiend if need be.

She protected Kankuro and me through childhood in secret, although he never thanked her and I never acknowledged her as a sibling. I was mortified.

"I desire to please you, Temari—you and Kankuro both. I covet what is best for the village. Everyone within these walls are my family. As I alleged, I would shield you all with my existence if it came to it, taking the strike from the sword of fatality for all I care for." I turned my view to the window, gazing longingly to the streets and lives below. "This society is my life. Were it to die, everything I cherish would go with it. People here depend on me, respect me and if I betrayed their expectations…I would be no different from a common deserter." I looked back at her despite the fact that she still did not turn to face me. "I am the keeper of the Sand Village, and the blade that will smite all that defy our way of life."

We stayed like that for some time. I watched her from a distance before rising from my seat and crossing the room, passing Temari and lingering at the doorway. Glancing back I motioned for her to follow and she did as told.

I led her to the rooftop and peered over the railing, hands bracing the handrail on the edge and tensing slightly as she came into view, standing beside me. It was a strange feeling to have her so close to me. Her arm brushed against mine by accident and I forced myself into relaxation.

The desert sun was making its final glare within the distance, showing us its brilliant light before it would retreat for the night. Blowing breezes were already chilly; another sign that the night was approaching.

She looked to me, a bizarrely satisfied expression on her face, most likely getting cold from the elevation and dropping temperature. "Why are we here?" Her tone was sounding rather anxious.

"No reason. I just wanted company," I confessed, looking out over the population below. "Also, why didn't you answer my question with a non-enigmatic response?" Kankuro would never have beaten around the bush, I was certain of that. It was those types of replies that infuriated me sometimes, and she had pulled it off so well.

She shrugged, focusing on me with a cocky grin once. Temari laughed at me. "You really don't understand what I said, do you?"

"You gave me a bizarre answer." I was complaining in my own way.

"I see now… You may be Kazekage, but you're still young, Gaara. Here. I'll try and explain it a little easier." She paused, giving her view words, but it laymen's terms. "Your timid question was enough for me to see that you don't have much confidence in yourself. You may be strong, but some things won't change no matter how powerful you are. People will generally dislike you for what can't be changed—your past, but don't let that discourage you. Don't let the elders break your resolve, Gaara. Focus on your generation and your future. In time the elders will be gone and you will have raised a new nation, receiving your anticipated payment. There are people who think highly of you now, and it's those individuals who already accept you." She hesitated, trying to voice her last thoughts I assumed. "What I am trying to say is that the ones who already respect and adore you shouldn't be asked the question on 'whether or not you are a good person', because you already know their answer. To them…you were an worthy human being from the start."

"Temari…" I was at a loss of words. For some reason, I could not think of anything to say to her. I just stared straight ahead, not turning to face her.

I saw from the corner of my eye that she broke her attention from me and concentrated on the dimming scenery. "And you know what they say: '_when you are content to be simply yourself and don't compare or compete, everyone will respect you_.' At least that's what I've heard."

After a few minutes of silent thinking, I had come to a conclusion: there was no way in the world that I could possibly dislike Temari now, no matter how much her actions could lead me to change my opinion. She was like my third mother—the first being the one who birthed me, the second was the sand I had endured for many years and now, Temari. She was my mother and my sister. I could look to her for guidance should I ever need a thoughtful reply. Temari was only a few years older than me, and she was already teaching me so many things I needed to know.

Still, sometimes it could be nice to have guy talk with your older brother. Some things cannot be told to females. That was another lesson Kankuro taught me unconsciously while conversing with a girl his age.

The girl beside me shifted uncomfortably and I sensed that she was about to depart for her home. The sun had set and it was rather wintry. I could not blame her for wanting to leave.

"It was nice talking to you Gaara. I hope I helped a bit."

"You did—and…" I wavered. "If you need me, you know where to find me."

"Yeah. I do, however getting you at a point where you're not working may be a problem, _Lord Kazekage_. You're sure important for a young man. Your big sister will have to fend for herself while she waited for her officially processed conference request to be accepted…"

She had a point. Work and leadership went hand in hand, but that had no meaning. "_'After a girl is grown, her younger brothers—now her protectors—seem like elder brothers.'_ That's something I've heard as well."

Temari cocked her head to the side and glanced at me briefly. "Protectors?"

"Yes. I think it's thought to mean that as you grow up, I'm supposed to protect you, along with Kankuro. That's what it means right?"

"Well, yeah…" She blushed slightly, looking away to hide it regardless of the fact that I already saw. "Though you act like you don't care sometimes, I can tell…that you really look out for me. That's enough though. Don't go out of your way for me. Extend your potential into something greater, Gaara."

"Thank you…Temari." I would have called her 'older sister' but I guess it was a confidence issue—the problem she had addressed already. Perhaps she truly did know me.

She turned to leave and began strolling away casually, obviously flustered with what I said.

"And one more thing, Temari…" I stated quietly, listening as her footsteps ended. I guessed that she had rotated to face me.

"Yes, Gaara?" She was frighteningly patient, as always.

"Open the present. Do it here—I want to watch." I twisted to look at her finally, gazing at the woman before me with hidden content in my eyes. "You should be pleased."

* * *

- 

Back then I had no idea that the next day would be the last time I saw my sister. She would return a month later, dying slowly from the moment she entered the village and I had no one but myself to blame.

I issued the order, so it was my fault that she traveled to the Leaf Village to relay a message to their Hokage.

It was a simple mission: take the message to the Hokage, wait for Lady Tsunade to brainstorm a response and return with the reply.

How could I have known that such a task would be absolutely precarious?

In my own way I was in tears, though my face remained dry and my appearance unruffled. I was upset yet I showed no traces. I could not voice what I wanted to say or what I felt. All I could do was watch as my family member decayed little by little.

My unspoken admiration for my sister developed as she shriveled in the bed.

We came from the same origin and matured in diverse environments still we never actually departed from one another. In some way, there was a connection between my sister and I and our brother.

The grip I had on her hand tightened as she took a quick gasp. Every little thing scared me, but not as much as what followed.

Her breathing quieted. She was not moving.

I froze.

My eyes were focused on her still form and I knew what was coming. Temari's heart would stop and my older sister would pass on completely.

I held her hand to my chest, so she could feel my despairing heart. It hammered in my chest from my nervousness. Never again would I experience the masked fondness from my sister as she guided me through situations with her own sense of the world.

Temari would never know how much I loved her.

Kankuro would return to an empty home that he shared with his sister.

Just the very thought of her gone and without realizing my true intentions as her brother, made me feel what I assumed was tremendous grief. It was a new sensation I felt as I lowered my head and rested my forehead on the back of the cooling hand I held. Closing my eyes, I voiced my new declarations.

How lamentable that she would not be there to see a future she steered me to form.

I hoped that she would somehow watch over me from wherever she was, just as I had watched over her for some time.

Though we would not meet in the end when my judgment arrived in death, I would like to see her just once before my sentence to purgatory for all of eternity.

Nothing was a better reward than seeing my loving sister another time. At least then I could apologize for everything I had done.

Redemption in this life would be meaningless.

* * *

**Enigmatic Dreamer (Ranting-Author Report):** I'm sorry. I tried. Don't hate the player; hate the game. Tragedies are nice but mine seem to come out as angst. 

Two quotes were not originally mine. I didn't use the first one completely to context but I did change only two words:

After a girl is grown, her little brothers – now her protectors – seem like big brothers. _Astrid Alauda_

When you are content to be simply yourself and don't compare or compete, everyone will respect you. _Lao-Tsu_

I had a bit of 'Pursuit of Happyness' to be a theme of it, but I decided to just skip the whole idea I had. It's supposed to be inspirational in a sense, yet it came out somewhat depressing. It's not incest. Unless my story seems that way.

-Admirable Vincentre


End file.
